Summary: Two old lovers meeting again
Disclaimer: It's just fiction! None of the characterizations and events are fact. Similarities in those are not completely accidental, but can't be taken serious anyway.
Reviews: Would be very much appreciated
A/N: I just had to.
Chapter VI Practice Gratitude, Practice Positivity, Practice Me
It was something John forgot; it wasn't the first time he held Jason's trembling frame in the middle of the night. When they were together the first time, it happened from time to time. They never talked about it; Jason always came up with an excuse or lured John into something making him forget what he witnessed. Later, when they weren't the ideal couple anymore, Jason started running away in the middle of the night, leaving John behind. John stopped being bothered by it, because other things bothered him more and seemed more urgent to get attention. John pulled a face thinking of it, feeling embarrassed and guilty for stopping worrying about it.
Jason noticed John pulling a face: “Something wrong with your chocomole?”
Startled John looked up: “Oh, no, the chocomole is great. I was thinking of something.”
“Stop thinking about it; it makes you pull faces,” Jason managed to make it sound innocent, but he knew what was on John's mind.
John tried to copy Jason's form. Jason was more in balance than John was. He was standing on
his right leg, the other one with his foot leaning against his left. He had his arms stretched out above his head. John stood regularly, arms clumsily hanging. He watched Jason in awe, jealous of his balance. John didn't really want to do yoga. He wanted to when Jason suggested they should, but after having watched Jason stretching and folding himself into several forms, John had gotten an appetite for Jason rather than the yoga exercises.
“I know some other exercise,” John suggested casually.
Jason looked at John from an angle, barely turning his head. He stretched out a little more pushing to his limit. He returned his gaze to the lake and zoned out to fully concentrate on his body. He heard John shuffling beside him. John had tried some forms, but most of the time he spend watching Jason and walking around him. Right now, he was fighting the urge to push Jason. Jason was aware of it and kept close attention on John. Gradually Jason moved his body into a new form. He put one foot forward in front of him and leaned stretching his arms forward. John grunted deep in his throat. Jason heard it and let go to stand up. John pursed his lips.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to distract you.”
“You’re not really into yoga, are you?”
John shrugged: “I’m into you.”
It warmed Jason’s heart and the expression on his face. It was what he longed to hear. It was a good start. It made him feel even guiltier about last night than he already was.
“John, what happened tonight had nothing to do with you. It’s my problem, and not anything you have to worry about.”
“But I am worried. It seemed pretty intense. Let me help you.”
Jason shook his head: “What happened, happened. I survived, it’s okay.”
It didn’t satisfy John; he still thought there should be something he could do: “But...”
Jason interrupted him quickly: “There’s no ‘but...’ I’m fine. Do I look like I need help?”
John gave up with the hesitation in his eyes. Jason decided they needed some distraction.
“Let’s get out and have some fun. I think we could do with some fun.”
Reluctantly John agreed. It would at least give him a chance to get closer to Jason. He really wanted to get to know Jason all over again.
He was so close, still he seemed so far away. Reaching out was only good for touching his hands, arms and sides. He would smile and then look away. He hardly said anything to John ever since they left the house; John had done most of the talking. He told Jason what he had been doing the last couple of years. He told Jason how happy he was with the way his career was turning out. He told Jason about the changes in his life, and how that turned out great. Jason listened closely to everything and replied saying nothing, but with contentment in his eyes.
“Positive thinking works,” was all he had to say.
John wasn’t sure what to say to that. Positive thinking, he knew the concept, but never really thought about it. John simply tried to live the best he could, and do the right things to keep himself and the people around him happy and healthy. John believed in kindness and decency. From there you could only go right.
John had been talking too much. He’d been giving a lot of information about himself, because that was the information he was sure about. He wished Jason would open up more, and tell something about what he had been doing. So far John understood Jason changed his lifestyle from indulging in all temptations into practicing gratitude and kindness and thinking positive. John wasn’t sure he completely understood what it meant for Jason.
“You’ve been talking about positive thinking a lot.” It should have been the introduction to a question, only John didn’t know what he wanted to ask.
“It helps the mind,” Jason explained helping the conversation start.
“When you practice positive thinking, positivity will flow naturally from it. It helps you approaching everything in a positive way and it helps you tackling obstacles. When you practice positive thinking, it also shines through in how you live life, and in how you deal with people.”
John nodded showing he understood. It was hard to tap into it, to get to the level where Jason was. John had the feeling they were worlds apart. It seemed strange, because it was so close to John practicing kindness and decency.
Jason stopped in the park. They were surrounded by trees. It was the most quiet spot they could find.
“You want to try it?”
John turned to Jason not understanding what he was asking: “I want to try what?”
“To start living positive, you have to be at ease with yourself and everything and everyone touching your life.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“Sit down. We’re going to meditate; we’re going to throw all negativity out.”
Jason had already found a spot on the ground. He looked up at John expectantly. John wanted to go there; he wanted to understand Jason. He sat down in front of Jason, his legs awkwardly folded under him.
“Sit on your bum, not on your knees. You have to be comfortable,” he urged John to change his sitting.
John stretched his long legs from under him and proceeded to fold his legs the way Jason had. Maybe it was because Jason was shorter than he was, or more flexible. John had trouble folding his legs in such way he didn’t feel like breaking bones.
“You okay?” Jason informed noticing John’s clumsy moving.
John settled down, slowly letting his legs rest in front of him: “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Jason checked John’s position one last time. John meanwhile squeezed his fingernails in his palms. For some reason he got a bit nervous. Jason moved smoothly closer to John and grabbed his hands, making him let go of the squeeze. He shook the tension out of John’s hand while whispering he had to let go of all. John was amazed how easy and quickly Jason got him in place. Jason’s hands supported John’s. It was like Jason pulled all tension from John’s body.
“Let go of every negative thought. We’re going to replace it with positive thoughts. Like our problems; we’re not going to make the same mistakes, we’re going to do things different and we’re going to do it right. We are, because we can.”
John couldn’t help commenting: “Is this Obama’s brainwashing program?”
Jason wasn’t amused, still he didn’t sound agitated rather correcting when he warned John just saying his name. It worked well, because John refrained from further commenting and joking. John drifted away on Jason’s tantalizing voice. He was overcome with a feeling so big and so beautiful. He felt nothing but peace and love. It was like being high, or like being completely in love with life. John was amazed how his normal stream of thoughts were pushed out of his head. He was amazed how his heart seemed to take over all thinking. He was amazed how close and connected he felt to Jason. Not only their hands were touching, their souls were now attaching and twirling. A breeze cooling in summer or a warm fire warming in winter. A perfect balance of being one with the world and a small creature in the Universe. Everything made perfect sense.
They sat in total bliss. Still and perfect in time. Jason’s will and to be better and believe were so strong; nothing could touch them. John sat up straight, his face lifted up to the sky in wonder. With his eyes closed and his mouth slightly opened breathing in. It was calming. His body became home to his soul, connected in life filled with love and innocence. It was like a rebirth.
When he opened his eyes, Jason was already there, with wide eyes as always, watching John taking in the beauty from within. When John returned with his conscience to the park it was already getting dark. He had been meditating for almost two hours.
Jason was the first to speak: “You’ve never meditated before?”
It wasn’t exactly guilt John was feeling, rather a bit of shame. “No. I kind of tried, but never really got there.”
Jason was still holding his hands and John looked down at their hands as he became aware of it. Something had changed; John didn’t feel uncomfortable with the silence. He sighed happy enjoying the feel of Jason’s touch. They became closer. John had seen Jason out there. He had seen Jason was learning and practicing. He had also seen he wasn’t quite ready. John had to be patient with him and give him the space and time to develop. He trusted on Jason to do the same for him.
Upon walking back to their holiday home they had been quiet. Unlike their walk up into town they were both perfectly fine with the quiet between them. John was not likely to stay quiet for the rest of the evening, and he started to worry, not wanting to disturb what they built that afternoon. Jason’s senses were strong, for he sensed John tensing up. Right before going back in he grabbed John’s hand and didn’t let go before did stood on the terrace facing the lake. He stared over the water with a playful look. John caught the playfulness too late. Before he knew it he was pushed off the terrace into the water. When he resurfaced he heard Jason laughing. Jason was towering over him, still dry and clearly amused. His laugh was contagious. John was about to make his way out of the water when Jason disappeared from view for only a second. Then he dove over John into the water.
“Care for a swim?” he grinned when he reappeared.
Clothes were left in a wet trail from the terrace into the house and up to the bedroom.
“You think you can handle me?”
“I know I can.”
They were standing facing each other. They could feel the energy flowing between them. They were playing on tactics. Watching like vultures their prey.
John leaped forward and grabbed Jason. Jason was stronger than expected. John forgot about it, and the fact Jason worked out in the gym on a regular basis. John thought throwing in his body length and weight should do the trick; it didn’t. Jason was still standing with John holding his arms trying to take control. He pushed back as hard as he could winning some space. John grunted between gritted teeth trying to change his tactics; this obviously wasn’t going anywhere. Jason smiled a mischievous smile, his eyes flickering in the dark.
John pulled away and went for Jason’s torso. The right moment; Jason didn’t expect it. John easily lifted him off the ground and threw on the bed against the wall. Quickly he crawled up on the bed aiming to pin Jason down. Not only had John forgotten about his strength, but also about his flexibility and agility. The moment John reached him Jason was sitting on his knees catching John with both hands, keeping him away. Jason pulled John to his left which made John fall over and landed on his stomach, face down in a pillow. Two hands on his shoulders, knees along his sides. John lifted his head and pulled the pillow away from his face. He tried to push himself up failing miserably against Jason’s weight. Jason’s knees slid down his sides along his body down to his thighs. He pressed his body against John’s, his mouth near John’s ear to whisper: “I won”.
Jason kissed down his neck, over his shoulder blades, down his spine. He bit down lightly in one cheeks. He circled his tong around John’s crack slicking it up. He was down on John’s knees giving John’s upper body enough room to lift or turn, whatever he choose. John waited for the right moment, meanwhile enjoying the tingling sensation of hot, wet, muscle traveling around his sensitive areas. He heard Jason humming down his ass. John smiled, prepared to take over.
He turned over in a death roll throwing Jason off of his legs. He needed only a few seconds to get behind Jason. He pulled him up on his knees, then pushing him up against the wall.
“Who’s your daddy now?” he spoke in a hoarse voice.
John didn’t make the mistake of leaving the strongest body part unattended. He kept pushing Jason up against the wall. Jason pulled and fumbled at John’s determined fingers. It didn’t take John long to get to Jason’s skin and the surprisingly firm ass. John grunted in appreciation.
Jason was trying to grab John; he was unsuccessful. His arms weren’t flexible enough. John grabbed Jason’s wrists and pushed them to the wall above Jason’s head. He rubbed his crotch against Jason’s opening encouraging his erection. Jason squirmed between the wall and John, still trying to break free. John managed to bring Jason’s wrists together in the grip of his left hand, freeing his right hand. With one hand he held on to the wrists pushing them hard into the wall. His right hand was free to lubricate the entrance John desperately wanted to enter.
Impatiently John pushed up against Jason trying to feel pleasure down where it matters. John put his arms around Jason letting his fingers massaging Jason. He pinched and twisted his nipples causing Jason to hiss against the sharp pain. He pushed the wrists back up, his body accentuating the push bumping Jason’s whole body hard against the wall.
He ran his hand down Jason’s body over slim hips. Rubbing it hotly and squeezing the delicate flesh between fingers and nails. Evidence left on Jason’s body in red marks wherever John went. John pushed and pulled Jason while hands traveled down towards Jason’s sensitive parts. He embraced his balls softly rubbing them. He felt Jason’s body tense. In rhythm he massaged the sensitivity making Jason’s arousal apparent. Jason’s body swayed back and forth, bumping into John and then into wall. Jason grunted and moaned in John’s arms. With every push Jason’s hard on met the wall and John’s Jason’s back. He pushed up and down Jason’s back, never letting go his right hand. Drops of sweat were falling and slicking their bodies making movement easier. John listened to Jason’s breathing becoming heavier and moans escaping the depth of his throat. He sped up his motions getting ready to enter. John pulled the cotton around Jason’s wrist one more time. Then his hands went to hold Jason’s hips from swaying. With both hands holding Jason still so he could meet Jason the deepest within.
Jason took in a sharp breath of pregnant air as John pushed inside hitting him deep. Jason could feel John pushing up inside him, touching and pushing against Jason’s prostate. With every thrust he cried out. John filled him up completely, stretching Jason’s ring of muscle. It felt like John was tearing him up from the inside. Jason’s hands were trying to hold on to the wall. His fingers nearly digging into the wall desperately seeking for grip. Hitting him on the inside. Rushes of adrenaline started to flow fast through his lower body making him feel weak. John held him up speeding up some more.
John loved the friction around his penis every time Jason clenched tightly around him. His beautiful tight ass. John whispered in Jason’s ear trying to encourage his excitement even more.
“Go on, baby. I know you want to make me pay.”
Jason only managed to let out a grunt at John. He clenched around John trying to squeeze him. It only resulted in more friction which was what John was looking for. Jason only tortured himself which he announced with a loud moan. A wicked laugh escaped John before he celebrated his victory on Jason’s ear, sucking and biting it.
Jason was slowly losing it, becoming weak in the knees. His left hand grabbed John’s hair pulling his face closer to his own: “Do it, for Christ sakes!” he hissed.
John laughed and kicked it into top gear. Jason let go of John’s head trying to refind his grip on the wall. John pushed hard up into Jason lifting his body with every thrust and causing Jason to cry out. John’s hands still on Jason’s hip trying to control. Jason’s hip were now desperately trying to break free from John’s hands thrusting back and forth multiplying the movement in which John was rocking him already. John closed his eyes concentrating on his orgasm.
The blood was racing through his veins. The tension in his cock was building to a phenomenal high. The heat, the friction. Jason’s voice was singing out his orgasm almost without break. He shot fluid up against his stomach and wall. It made John hot and reaching his peak. Colors dancing before John’s eyes and the rush of release into Jason. His hips lost rhythm and rocked Jason the hardest he could. He had to let go of Jason’s hips to find the wall to keep him from collapsing. Their movements out of control. The last thing John heard was Jason screaming out.
John stared at the ceiling. The most beautiful love making, now only a memory. He almost felt sorry it was over, even though he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand more. He turned his head slowly to see Jason. Jason lay propped up against the wall in a weird position. He lay half on his side, half on his back. His back against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms like paralyzed next to his body. He was facing John with big, dark eyes. John couldn’t hide the smile and Jason smiled back at him.
“That was amazing,” Jason’s voice cracked in a whisper.
John smiled in agreement and moved closer to hold Jason in his arms.
“I love you forever. And I won, btw.”
Chapter VII Dare or Truth, Angels or Demons
Jason lay awake long after they decided to take some rest. He stared into the darkness not seeing anything. The day had been a success, than why did Jason feel so unsatisfied? John was lying close to him, his hands laying were they dropped from Jason when he fell asleep. John’s presence was clear in the dead of the night. It made Jason aware and careful not to make any unexpected movements. He needed the moments alone to sort his mind. A whole load of thoughts were going through his head; from memories to little insights or thoughts about how things would have been better. Jason was amazed how easy he could distract John from what happened previous night.
The memories were like cold hands around his thoughts holding him in a death grip. It cooled his heart and his senses. It cooled his way of acting and dealing. He didn’t mean to. Faces and events flashed before his eyes distracting him. He hadn’t seen them for a long time. Now they were back, just when Jason was allowing himself to get back into love.
It had been nice, though there were moments he had been scared. Was he the only one wishing it was over soon? It was not because he didn’t care for John; it was because he couldn’t ease his mind into believing it was John. The wrong face kept popping up in his memory every time John pushed up into him. He was nearly crying. He indulged into letting his mind believe he was the one in control. It was only to help himself and to hide it from John. His will power was that strong. He had to keep his deepest secrets to himself.
He felt exhausted and his body felt heavy. He could not move, nor he wanted to. The only movements were in his face when he tried to swallow away the pain. His eyes wide open, blind in the darkness. Tears were streaming from them and flowing down his rosy cheeks. He thought he put all those memories, those old ghosts away. They should not escape and take control; Jason could not allow it. It shouldn't become John's problem, he didn't deserve that. Jason had to fight it all on his own. Those thoughts and those memories were his, and his alone. Right there in the darkness, on the unfamiliar mattress Jason promised himself he would put the ghosts away and not let John know what was plaguing him.
John didn’t want the haze to disappear. He didn’t want his head to clear. He was still in heaven enjoying the warmth and the butterflies in his stomach whenever he thought back at the day that was. They made some important progress. John turned on his side to see Jason. Jason looked a little stiff and tensed under the white used up sheets. John touched his shoulder lightly. He was shocked by how cold he felt. Concerned he pulled the sheets over Jason's shoulder. He took another look at Jason's tense body. John didn't understand why Jason was so tense. He crouched closer to Jason and pulled the stiff, cold body into his embrace to warm and sooth him. Jason stirred as John pulled at him. His eyes fluttered till he remembered where he was. He let John hold him and he nuzzled his nose into John's chest smelling marks of their love making. Jason noticed his flexed muscles and forced them to relax and lean on John. Anything to conceal the truth.
John let his breath escape as Jason settled in his embrace. Everything was okay; whatever it was that made Jason going still and cold was gone. John dazed with enjoying Jason's frame in his arms. He loved the gradual movement of breathing. He loved the stillness of resting. He stroke his hands gently over Jason's body warming him further. All John wanted to do was holding him like this, hugging him and rocking him. He could do this all day. Simply loving and not worry.
John was drifting in a daze when Jason started to move and push himself up. Jason's voice came floating in like on a summer breeze.
“I'm hungry; shall I prepare breakfast?”
John's eyes had to get used to the morning light. He squinted his eyes to clear view. Jason was already beside the bed moving around.
“I'm gross, I'm gonna take shower....or a bath....”
John was still too sleepy to understand and reply right away. Jason watched him waking up real slow and then decided.
“I go draw a bath.”
He walked out of the room not waiting for John's reaction. John rolled on his side trying to follow Jason. He listened to Jason filling up the bath and handling oils and bath salt. Soon the sweet smells were mixing with John's half dream state of mind. John closed his eyes and he was back in his green field with blue sky and this time there were smelling flowers too. John was dozing off again when he felt someone pulling at his arm.
“John, bath is ready, c'mon.” Jason pulled him up a little. There was no way he was going to carry John to the bathroom. John pushed himself up, still sleep drunk. When finally standing he leaned on Jason as he dragged his feet forward. Jason was chuckling at his side.
“You better wake up, or you'll drown.”
John eyed Jason lazily. He lifted his leg over the bath side into the steaming warm water. Surprised he retreated and shrieked at the hot water. His senses were wide awake now. Jason stood next to him making sure he wouldn't fall; still chuckling. John eyed Jason wary.
“You tease you,” he murmured.
It took John a while to get used to the warm water. When he was finally sitting stretched out enjoying the salt, foam and surrounding hotness, he dozed off again. Jason lathered John's arms and gave up on the rest of his body. He leaned back enjoying his view. John was exactly what he needed. Jason pulled his knees up under his chin and pressed against his chest so John’s long limbs had all the room they needed. He loved watching John, especially when he was comfortable enough to relax and stop all the profuse joking and frantic babbling and acting. Jason watched his hair sticking to his face, plastered there by a mix of sweat and hot damp water. He loved John’s pink, pouting lips opened slightly to breath in the warm air. He loved how John trusted him again. He would not let him down, not this time.
Jason was sorry he could not let John see him completely. There was no use in telling the truth; it would only scare John away. It wouldn’t be fair anyway. Jason kept telling himself over and over again. It was a mistake he had made before. Several lovers ran off after Jason told about his past. They might have been afraid of what Jason had become. They might have been afraid the past would come to get them too. Whatever the case, it was not worth losing another lover over it. In the dampness of the bathroom Jason could let his emotions run free. His tears could not be distinguished from the steam and the sweat dripping like pearls. John was too intoxicated to see it. All the better; it was Jason’s silence way of getting it out.
When John came back to his senses he was alone in the bath. The water had gone tepid and the salt was completely dissolved. John was getting cold. On a nearby chair he noticed a towel, neatly folded and waiting for him. Jason had left without John noticing it. John smelled he got busy in the kitchen. He wondered what he had done to deserve to be pampered like this. He rose from the bath moaning at his stiff muscles and the cold. Maybe he had been a bit too wild last night. He couldn’t help it; all he wanted to do was love. Crooked he stood on the soft fabric of towel lied down by Jason. Everything was taken care off. John dried and warmed his body in thoughts of his boy. John had forgotten what drove them apart; their falling out seemed ridiculous and petty.
With his hair still dripping and the towel around his waist he made his way down. The kitchen immediately on his right when he came down the stairs. It was small, maybe too small. Jason needed all the space he could find to chop, mix and ensemble a meal. He watched John still moist from his bath, towel around his waist and one hand keeping it from falling.
“You’re gonna walk around naked all day?” Jason inquired.
John grinned: “Maybe. You would like that, wouldn’t you?”
“It’s distracting,” Jason mumbled pretending to try to keep his attention on his preparations.
John was now behind Jason standing close and feeling the rough jeans uncomfortably rubbing his sensitive wet skin. He put his arms around Jason, hands resting on his flat stomach, nonetheless. He could take some pain to be close to his lover.
“John, I’m working with a knife; this is not safe.”
John leaned over Jason’s shoulder to check what he was doing. Jason was holding still, the sharp edge of the knife leaning on a carrot waiting to be chopped. John stuffed his nose in Jason’s hair and sniffed the scent of bath oils and bath salt.
“John, you’re dripping all over my food,” Jason was still waiting for John to let go so he could finish.
Jason moved his weight from one foot to the other, patiently waiting for John to leave. He didn’t. Instead he pulled Jason in closer. John couldn’t stop himself from kissing, from the earlobe to the neck, he spread tiny kisses all over Jason’s neck and the left side of his face. Jason frowned putting the knife down. Apparently John still hadn’t enough. He let John play his little game till his excitement became apparent. Jason briskly turned around.
“Woah baby, take it easy. Let’s first take some lunch; we already missed breakfast.”
John was not very interested; all he was interested in was Jason. His hands tried to find places where he could hold on, but Jason pushed and brushed his hands away every time. Hungry John stepped forward pushing Jason against the kitchen sink his lips finding direct contact on hot, flushed skin. He didn’t get the time to devour it. Jason pushed him away hard. In shock John stumbled backward meeting the wall behind him.
“Why don’t you go outside and cool off.”
Still in shock John agreed and left. Jason’s eyes followed him till he finally disappeared out of sight. Jason looked down at his trembling hands. He never meant to be that aggressive; it was just a bit too much. Jason needed more time to recollect his thoughts and feelings. It was not a small thing what happened last night; certainly not to Jason. He tried to control his breath and stop the trembling. He turned back to his carrot. Preparing food was a good way to distract his thoughts. His hands weren’t still yet when Jason picked up the knife and started to chop. The knife meeting the wood rhythmically underneath helped Jason calming down and soon he found himself in a Zen state of mind.
John sat in one of the wooden chairs as if he was ready to jump up any time. He thought about what happened in the kitchen. Maybe he came on too strong. Jason did tell him to stop a few times. The fresh scent and the sweet memories just spurred him on. When John was in love, he was very much in love. That was exactly what John loved about being in love, so he could be all over someone. To know someone found him good enough to be this close with. He loved the closeness, the warmth, the mutual understanding and loving. Longing lingering in his head. Nasty thoughts and evil plans filling him up with arousal. Mental images of body parts tanned and strong, better than ever before, distracted John. The memories of the touching, the holding, and the burning of skin into his fingertips as he ripped, scratched into Jason's body as if he was trying to dig out the hatred and love. He could feel the sweats breaking out and slicking them up, helping their bodies to melt together. Pushing and squirming around each other. John could see Jason's eyes rolling back into his head as he gave in to their love making. He would not give in.
The clink of the glass bowl on the table jolt him back into reality. Not quite rejected, not quite accepted either. He glared at Jason with the guilt in his eyes. Jason spread forks, knifes and plates on the low table. A bowl with a salad and something John couldn’t identify as quickly.
“Dig in,” Jason offered. His voice was soft. There was no trace of anger or irritation.
John stretched his neck to inspect the salad and then the roll on the plates.
“Seaweed filled with a vegetable filling of cucumber, carrots and avocado stuffing,” Jason cleared up.
John carefully took the roll from the plate to take a bite. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but regarding the way Jason was eating it was tasty. John took a first bite and was surprised by the creamy filling and full flavors. The next ten minutes his mind was out of the gutter and with his food. With his mouth still filled from the roll he dived onto the salad. Minutes of chewing and noticing his hunger. When he was finished he blushed a bright red when he realized how he had been stuffing his mouth. Jason sat observing him amused, leaning his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees. John’s eyes drifted away to not have to look Jason straight in the eyes. The blush still on his cheeks. He saw the glass jug filled with fresh juice, but he was too ashamed of his behavior to pour him a glass. He heard Jason chuckling.
“I’ve been quite an ass, haven’t I?” John whispered.
Jason poured John a glass of fresh juice and put it in front of him: “That’s okay. You could have been worse.”
“I've been doing nothing but taking.” It didn't feel right to John. He had to start paying some time.
“From now on, I'm gonna spoil you,” John announced.
A small smirk appeared on Jason's face: “So you do the dishes? Great, cause I hate that.”
John sniffed, fake annoyed.
The sun warmed their faces and drew colors on the water. It was beautiful outside, but hot. John took long to get up and get going. He promised to do the dishes, but Jason almost beat him to it. John quickly stood when he saw Jason getting ready to get up. He snatched the plates and glasses away before Jason could. With his hands full he watched defeated how Jason took the bowl and jug. With a snort John went inside to clean closely followed by Jason. Jason was right behind him. With any move he would be in the way with a smug smile. John tried to go around him and Jason turned with him. He took stuff out of John's hand before John could do anything with it, or he put stuff in John's hands which John had just cleaned and put away.
“Wow, you're annoying,” John boasted.
Jason giggled as he side stepped into John, standing on his feet, twirling around him and pulling at him as he tried to put plates into cupboards. When they were finally finished, Jason ended his dance in front of John with his hands around John's neck. He had to stand on his toes to be able to kiss John. Automatically John's hands traveled to Jason's hips and cradled them. He pulled his boy close; now they could play. For a while they stood close. Their hands filled with their lover. Their eyes filled with their love. Their heads in the clouds and secretly filled with something else. They were so self indulged, they failed to read the truth in their eyes. Jason was the first to create some space between them. Staring; Jason’s eyes going all over John. Jason had a way with making John feel uncomfortable. Like most of the time, John’s answer to Jason’s staring was talking.
“I want to love you again.”
Jason tilted his head: “You don’t love me?”
“You make it hard. You’ve got to give me more of yourself.”
“Okay,” Jason was baffled with the answer.
“I never saw your face last night. It was like you were hiding from me.”
The happiness and joy had fallen off of Jason's face. Pain seemed to have replaced it.
John continued: “I want to know you. Last night, it wasn’t about us. What was that?”
Jason shook his head: “It's not important. I remembered something, I’ll be fine.”
John studied Jason’s naked feet. Jason followed his gaze. John, obviously, was trying to avoid eye contact. Jason reached out a few times, trying to talk. It wasn’t his strength; John used to be the one talking. Jason could take the initiative again, or he could wait for John to start talking. He waited long enough for John to start feeling uncomfortable with the silence.
“The way I see it, getting back together can go two ways. It can go bad, cause we fall in the same pitfalls. Or it can go right, cause we learnt.”
John tempted to make eye contact. Now Jason was the one avoiding it.
“Jason, give me something. I need you right there with me.”
“I'm trying the best I can.”
After what happened, John knew he did try the best he could: “I know, but let me in. Maybe I can help you.”
John took a step towards Jason; he wanted to take him back in his arms. Jason stepped back; his eyes dark and wide. John read fear on his face, he didn't understand why.
“Jason, I do love you. I don't want to hurt you.”
John tried again, this time Jason stayed in place. John took Jason's hands and pulled him closer. He put Jason's hands in his sides letting Jason hug him. It worked, the fear was fading from Jason's face. Tired Jason hang his head till he found John's chest to rest. In John he had an angel and he mistook him for a demon. He had played dare or truth and he failed. He was so sorry.
John was worried about what was haunting Jason's mind. He noticed a pattern. Every time Jason froze up when they were intimate. John felt Jason's body tense up as if he was nervous or trying to resist something. Also Jason's distracted expression last night after love making worried John. It was like he wasn't really there. John remembered the wild and panicked look in his eyes when he touched his arm to ask what was wrong. Jason quickly eased John into sleep. He never found out where his mind had run off to, and why John's touch scared him. John contemplated possibilities.
Being together with a partner was something Jason hadn't done for a long time. He forgot how exhausting it was, to act all the time. He didn’t want to look better than he was; he had secrets that he rather not share with anyone. It was no-one’s business but Jason’s.
Jason swam away from the shore, away from John, to be able to take a deep breath and get out what was pushing inside of his heart. He floated around being alone with the cerulean blue sky and the sun burning his face a bright red. His eyes were as green as the water, reflecting angst and how beautiful it could have been. The deep grounds hid life underneath.
The water was somewhat chilling. John skinny dipped his toe and decided against diving in. Jason was swimming quite far away. It was not like the lake was going to swallow him. He’d come back. John watched Jason’s bobbing head to the middle of the lake. He didn’t turn to face John. John missed those wide eyes he couldn’t read, and the little smile around his lips. He missed trying to read his expression, somewhere away in his head. What would he do if Jason drowned? He would grieve, and wonder why Jason didn’t let him in on his deepest personal life. The smiles and the careless banter were only bubbles on the surface. When those bubbles break and splashed down in thousands of fragments, that was were John couldn’t come near.
He could have tried harder; John had secrets on his own. Involved in a new love affair, John wanted to know everything. He needed to so he could help and show how much he cared and loved. Don’t come too close though, because he might run when it gets too much. He didn’t mean to hurt; he was just too much of a coward to fight the urge. John sat down at the side of the water. The sun was reflecting onto his face, casting purple and blue. John took the time to take in the beauty around him. The peace and quiet calmed his senses and helped him to think clear. If he wanted this relationship to work, he had to put aside his personal fears and fight. He promised the blue sky and the back of the head floating on the surface of the water he would.
Jason body cooled down in the water. John wrapped Jason in large towel hugging him warm and dry. It reminded him of the days at the beach with his grandmother. Jason always loved to be pampered by his grandmother. John’s hands were slender and graceful. His fingers draped the towel neatly around him; he made sure no cold spot was left unattended. Nothing was different for that matter; Jason loved being pampered and cared for. Grateful he held the towel tightly wrapped around his thin shoulders. John’s hands rubbed firm but gentle his back, like a reassuring hug. There were no words to be spoken. The light in their eyes said it all.
Both in their own thoughts they went their own way. John picked up his guitar to write and play. Jason took a shower to freshen and warm up.
They hadn’t been out that much. The holiday house had become a safe haven to ponder and discover. Jason fled into the water a few times and John retreated by letting Jason having his way. It was like a holiday from their problems. They had found time and space to be intimate physically, not mentally. It was the easiest part of their relationship. Whatever awaited them in their daily routine was in the present; it wasn’t a part of their lives right there. John worried about what might happen when they got back home. Life could be so ruthless and without mercy.
Jason sat down opposite of John with his guitar. Music could be their way out. It seemed to be a good plan. Whatever words they might not get out may find a way out in a song. John didn’t stop playing. He didn’t know what he expected Jason to do. Maybe play together? Or maybe answering him somehow in melody? John bowed his head watching his fingers touching the strings. He listened to chords he knew so well. Jason tuned up. Slightly off key, he messed with John’s melody. He came closer after every turn. His hearing was good. Maybe they could say a few things and not missing any beat of a word. John closed his eyes concentrating on the notes coming together in a sweet harmony. Jason was answering.
John didn’t sing; he talked. He wasn’t searching for melodies to make it sound pretty; he was searching for support to tell his feelings.
“I missed you. Of all people I’ve ever been with, you’re the one who came closest. I missed your understanding. I missed us being together. I missed talking to you. I missed you hearing me. I missed you fighting me.
I know I’ve been bad. I know I could have been better. Whenever we ran; we lost sight of us. I feel remorse. I feel remorse for the things we didn’t say or do. We missed too many beats. How could we let that happen?”
Jason stopped playing all together. He didn’t expect John to pour his heart right there. He didn’t have an answer. All he could think of to say was: “I’m sorry.”
John stopped playing. They stared at each other for a few minutes. It was like trying to connect through eyes, with John’s words as a tool.
“I like sex...”
While Jason said it, John had to grin. It didn’t escape Jason.
“...a lot...” he added. He was trying to make a point. Admitting he was kind of addicted to sex was a whole different thing than saying he loved making love.
“When I was a kid, my parents were so busy getting divorced, remarried and divorced again, they had no time keeping track with what I was doing. I could pretty much do what I wanted. Like having sex at a fairly early age.”
“How old were you?”
“Yeah....” Jason sighed again shuffling in his seat.
John was on a loss for words.
What could you say to something like this? That was so screwed up. Jason understood and agreed. It wasn’t anything he was proud of. He never told anyone ever before, because he dreaded the reactions and because he was ashamed. He was not a sex-maniac. It was just that for a long time, a lot of things he did had some sexual background. Sex made him feel free. The excuse of the word ‘love’ in love making.
“I’ve got a lot of experience,” Jason tried joking.
In Jason’s opinion it wasn’t such a big deal. Yes, he was early, but it didn’t kill him. What Jason didn’t tell John was that his early sexuality wasn’t the cause of the nightmares. It had to do with sexuality; not the kind Jason chooses to do at age eleven.
John saw Jason opening up. That was exceptional, it was a breakthrough. Just as sudden he opened up, he shut down again.
Jason stood up and walked away from John. Was Jason running away from him? Yes he was. He grabbed his guitar and locked himself up in one of the spare rooms.
That was one of the weirdest things. John sat like frozen glaring into the house where Jason’s silhouette had disappeared into a room. Like in a dream John followed Jason to find out what happened. He opened the door. Jason sat on the bed clinging to his guitar. He was not playing; he was holding on. His wide eyes met John’s, the shock apparent in his eyes. He couldn’t believe he blurted that out.
“What was that,” John wondered out loud.
John didn’t go to him; he figured Jason needed some time for himself. He understood that perfectly well. Finding the right moments was a problem. It was mostly guessing what the right thing to do was. That probably wasn’t something unusual in a relationship. Still John thought it was something he couldn’t talk with anybody about. Maybe with Jason. They both needed some guidelines. John listened Jason playing in the next room while he cleaned up. It were thoughtless notes. It was music to support his wary mind.
After cleaning John sat on the couch alone, still listening. The playing had stopped, only the sounds of coughs were clear. Anything else could have been anything; it was too vague to be identified. It was time for Jason to come out.
John opened the door enough to see the inside. Jason sat on the bed with his knees pulled up against his chest, his arms folded over his knees. He tilted his head when he heard the door opening.
“What’s going on, babe?”
Jason shrugged. It was not something he wanted to share right now. He had said enough for today.
“What you told me; it’s not a big deal. That was in the past; you were only a child.” John sat on the bed with Jason, his hand on Jason’s arm. Memories flashed before Jason’s eyes. With the memories the feelings came back. He remembered all he thought and how it felt. It was too much for an eleven year old.
How would you feel if you were forced to have sex with someone? You’re not really into the other person, but you’re curiosity gets the best of you. What the hell do you know anyway? You’re only eleven. What would you do when you got back home from your first sexual experience? There was no way you are going to tell your parents. The sin is still burning hot between your thighs. You feel weird for having enjoyed it. You never let anyone come this close ever before. Something changed in the world, but you’re not quite sure what? Everything seems the same, but nothing feels the same. You go take a shower and study your genitalia with a new interest. A whole new world opened up and you’re scared.
Jason was still scared.
The new obstacles were piling up. As far as John could see, there were obstacles to and challenges to take. A choice made to be with someone always results in accepting whatever someone might bring.
They had been lucky with the amount of sun. Rain can suppress the mood, but that was not what was happening now. Jason sat on the couch leaning on the armrest closest to the window. He stared through drops of rain running down like in a race. He looked peaceful, at ease with himself, with John and the whole situation. John sat on a lounge chair with his legs pulled up under him observing Jason.
He was sweet and innocent. He was pure and passionate. He filled John’s heart with warmth and love. The outlook on the surface, easy to touch by anyone who was willing to face him. It was so easy to love him.
He developed blind spots in his vision and filled up the gaps with stolen words and sentences he really didn’t understand, missing the point, the reason and truth. He was naive, but passionate about things he didn’t know anything about. It scared John. It annoyed him too. It annoyed him more he couldn’t seem to clear up the blind spots in Jason’s head.
“What do you think of us?” John broke the silence and Jason’s game with the rain drops.
Jason leaned back in his seat. He was searching for the right words to say. He believed it could work. He knew it wouldn’t be a simple task. He was still wondering how much effort John expected Jason to put in and if he could live up to it.
Jason decided to stay a little vague: “I think we can be great.”
“You think we can be great?”
“You think we’re great already?”
“We just got started.”
“Then why did you say that? Don’t you think we can be great?”
“Sure, we can. We have to work hard for it, though.”
Jason shifted in his seat and fiddled with his fingers. John made him feel uneasy. Jason needed John’s support and his cheering him on, rather than putting it all in perspective and seeing all that could go wrong.
John went sitting next to Jason: “I know it’s scary. I’m scared too, but we can do this.”
He put his arms around Jason and pulled him closer.
Jason took a deep breath before speaking.
Jason: “Why do you always make me feel uncomfortable? It’s not your fault, but you always make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t have that with other people. I’ve been in several relationships, and with most I actually felt like being in love. I always loved being in a relationship, but with you, I often only want to run away. Why is that?”
John let go of Jason after the outburst. Sure, Jason said it wasn’t his fault, but it felt like he was accused of something. Jason turned around to face John.
“I really want to overcome those feelings and just simply love you. I really do want to.”
John moved away from Jason slightly. Jason was suddenly invading his comfort zone. Jason grimaced at John’s moving away, but he kept silence. The pain was apparent in his eyes. The pain was apparent in John’s eyes. John tried to understand.
“We had fun careless times?”
Jason nodded his head: “I know. You don’t make me feel that way all the time. It’s times like these that make me feel...weird.”
“Can I do something about it?” John asked wanting to solve the problem.
Jason shook his head: “No, it’s me.”
John cast his eyes down. Neither of the two broke the silence. What else could they say?
Just as Jason was going to walk away John spoke: “If I can do something, you promise you’ll tell me?”
Suddenly there was that beautiful smile: “Yes, I will.”
Jason bent down to kiss John’s forehead. “I love you, John.”
John watched Jason disappearing in the kitchen, the kiss still burning hot. That was not a lie. His eyes were sincere, the kiss was sincere. Somehow the tension had flown away. John listened to the stumbling in the kitchen. John thought of the passed three days. They arrived not knowing what to expect or how to start. It happened. They started. John was happy with the outcome; it went way better than he had anticipated. They talked and came closer. They were both willing to work hard on their relationship. It was true, John still didn’t know all that was required to know. He wanted to give Jason some more time to come clean with things, and to find the right place and moment to spill the beans.
Maybe it helped they started over. It felt like a new relationship in which both parties had to get to know each other and find their ways in the relationship. It was exciting and scary. Only this time John knew his partner. Or he thought he knew something. John knew that fact was, Jason had the ability to surprise friends and enemies. Maybe that had been John’s downfall the first time. This time he was prepared.