First published: 7 September 2006
Pairing: JM/JM D’OH!
Summary: The seasons are constantly changing and so are they.
Disclaimer:‘It’s just fiction!’
Reviews: Yes, please.
A/N: Inspired on the fact that both JM’s admit to having problems with keeping their love in the good and bad times…or something like that.
“Could you possibly come to my hotel room?”
Jason nodded warily. John studied his face; it was amazing to see how different situations had different influences on their relationship. Jason didn’t seem too happy to come to John’s hotel room, but he had nodded his head nonetheless.
Jason took off his glasses and was now cleaning them. He looked up at John cautiously from time to time. John sat on the bedside watching him. Neither of them had said anything. They never talked that much during their being together. Their eyes locked and John smiled. He loved Jason’s wide eyed visage; the way he looked into the world. Jason averted his eyes pretending to shift his attention back to his glasses. John stood to approach him. He towered over him easily; he was exceptionally tall while Jason was a bit shorter than an average man. He took the glasses carefully from Jason and placed them on the night table beside the bed. Jason didn’t look up at him, but followed the glasses to the night table. Truth was, he was still wary of the complicated situation. John saw it and understood it. It was time for mindless loving. It was time to simply feel and forget about all the obstacles. All John wanted was to love and to be loved.
They stood in front of each other, Jason looking down at his hands and John down at Jason. He put a hand softly against Jason’s temple and pulled his fingers slowly through the thick, dark, curly hair brushing it backwards. His other hand with one finger under Jason’s chin to make him look up. He watched Jason’s eyes rolling up to see him. He smiled at Jason’s hesitating hazel eyes. Wide and unsure they were; it made John wanting him even more. His hands went down to find Jason’s. Jason’s hands were still in mid air, lost without the glasses between them. John caught them carefully. John felt the hard spots and he knew the long fingernails. Nothing delicate on these hands, but the actions were sweeter. The way they lay in John’s, shyly. John pulled him closer putting the hands around his waist. He put his own on Jason’s back pulling him closer. He could feel Jason breathing against his chin and his eyes warming on his face. He kept his eyes locked with Jason’s as he bent down to kiss him. The two sweetest seconds. He pulled away to see Jason’s eyes still closed enjoying the moment. John whispered: “How come you’re so bold one time and so shy the other?”
Seeing him again was like going back in time. It made no sense. Going back there was like dismissing time. It was like dismissing all the worries, protests, rumors and feelings of fright. John wasn’t afraid when he stepped back. It might look like denial, but it wasn’t. It was acknowledgment of something so bigger, John couldn’t stop it. For the first time in his life it even seemed wrong to try and explain the situation and his feelings. He was glad he didn’t have to, not to him. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t.
John had been dreaming ever since he got to know Jason more intimate. Secretly fantasizing about being together, of what they would do and how he would hold him and love him. Fact was; he still didn’t dare to live it, so he kept on dreaming. The only difference was Jason knew about it.
Never before they had played the same festival or the same venue together. It excited John and he had trouble to keep the excitement to himself. He had to release the excitement, but since he was trying to hide it, it came out as hate towards Jason. John always had to make negative comments about Jason, or say something denigrating. Not out of hate, but rather because he had to express his excitement without anyone understanding how he really felt. Knowing Jason was so close made it hard for John to stay calm and keep himself in control. The whole day he had been surging for him, knowing he couldn’t have him. The whole day he had been craving for some private time so he could let his fantasies run free. After interviews, photo shoots, sound check and fooling around, John finally managed to get all the people out of his dressing room; he was finally alone.
John hid in the back of the dressing room where there was a shower. He could see that boy right in front of him, laughing that half knowing smile. He could see those hazel eyes burning through him knowing all dreams and fantasies John’s been having. John could feel the thick greasy dark hair curling playfully between his fingers. He could taste those sweet pink lips and the firm tongue wrestling with his. John allowed himself to drift away on his fantasy. His member half hard already, John started to bring himself off. He imagined it was Jason’s warm hand steadily around his cock pushing and squeezing firmly. John’s excitement climbed slowly to a climax. His breathing became uneven and heavy. He almost toppled off his seat when he heard a voice.
“You want me to give you a blow job?”
John stared at the boy with wide scared eyes. Jason grinned amused, his eyes shining bright behind the thick rimmed glasses. He looked scruffy, as if he had been working outside in the dirt all day. He wore old jeans with cracks on his knees and a simple white t-shirt and for once nothing pink and no hat. His thick dark hair curled stubborn. He was all John had been longing for. His boldness threw John off. He didn’t get the chance to recover and say something smart; Jason was already on his knees between John’s. His hands, larger than expected, closed hotly around John’s member red with lust. John was still in shock by Jason’s sudden appearance. It didn’t matter anymore when Jason’s tongue touched the head of his member teasingly. He circled his tongue around John’s cock sending electric pleasures. John gasped as Jason slid his tongue over the top of John’s member. It was almost too much to take. As the excitement built up it didn’t matter he fell back into clichés of orgasms; it was just simply that.
Suddenly Jason’s tongue retreated. John opened his eyes to see Jason had taken off his glasses. He was cleaning the condensation off while he looked up at John with a smug smile. He held them out to John: “Could you place them somewhere safe?” John took the glasses from Jason carefully. There was not that much place to put them safely. John looked around to find the sink. He reached out to put the glasses on the sink as he felt Jason move between his legs. He was surprised at how sensitive his legs even were. He stared back at Jason to receive another smug smile. Jason softly stroked the inside of John’s thighs enjoying how it made John tense up. His eyes looked so dark and so amused; John couldn’t understand how Jason’s eyes could change from bright to dark in such a short time. John closed his eyes again to feel heaven dawn on him again. He felt how one hand stroked the inside of his thighs and how the other held his neglected member delicately. Lights flashed before his eyes as Jason’s mouth accepted John inside again. John didn’t last long. Jason took him in completely swallowing and humming around him. The vibrations sent John right over the edge. He growled and panted unable to control his thighs. He thrusted in and out of Jason’s hot mouth hitting his soft palate over and over again. Jason’s hands holding his hips, controlling John’s thrusting. It was amazing how Jason could keep him going. He sucked the life out of John, draining him completely.
John was exhausted and he needed quite some time to recover. Jason stood without saying anything. He grabbed one of the towels from the rack and cleaned his mouth while he stared at John’s naked frame still trying to catch his breath. With the towel in hand he admired John’s trained slender body. John was fit and he felt loose skin in with muscles. Jason admired John’s stamina, but couldn’t get himself to be that disciplined. He approached silently offering the towel to John who looked up at him with wide dark eyes. One more time Jason bent down to kiss the pouty lips before turning his back at John again and leaving the dressing room as if nothing unusual had happened.
A hand ghosted over John’s spine sending shivers and electricity through his body. John felt the calloused fingertips playfully reach the nape of his neck. He didn’t dare to look at his lover, like he never did after making love to him. The shame was still too big and the situation still not approved. He knew Jason was searching for more contact, like a man wrapping his arms around his female lover and holding her safe, but John couldn’t do it. He kept his head turned away and rested on the pillow. He felt restless as he scanned the dimly lit room. He could see all the places and memorized where and how he had touched the walls as his body hit them while being pushed and pulled in every direction lovingly and wantonly. During these love fights nothing cared more than the arms pushing and holding him, or the lips gracing his face, his neck and collarbones. If only he could feel it afterwards.
John felt tense; uncomfortably loved. He wished this love could be as simple as knowing his life’s mission. He lay there stiffly holding on to the sheets, listening to the level breathing behind him. He was waiting for the tears to come, like rain after a sunny period. It nourished his love and his pain. He wondered if it made a difference if he rolled over to his other side and face the boy. He wondered if he’d still cry and what those tears meant. What did they mean? What did they mean to him? John felt the fingers gingerly sliding back to the small of his back. The fingers were joined by the palm of the hand and sliding onto his thigh keeping him warm. He didn’t come closer to embrace him; he just kept the contact. John breathed out slowly trying to calm down.
“Will you always be here?”
John stared through the shadows to lean against the door. He was ready to flee. No, he couldn’t be there whenever Jason wanted him. Things were way too complicated for that. John closed his eyes and sighed. He wished he could. He wished he could answer that positively. He felt Jason’s hand slide off of him; that was the end of the day; now it was time for the tears. John remained silent to listen and feel Jason turning his back to him. He knew Jason’s arm folded against his chest. He knew the tears slowly finding their way outside and onto the pillow. And there was nothing John could do to change the weather. He started to stand up without ever glancing back at the boy’s back, without ever seeing the tears or the fists clinging desperately and angrily to the sheets.
He quickly and silently got dressed and grabbed all his stuff together. He glanced at the door. Behind that door was a whole different world, unapologetically and merciless spinning around. John was ready to get back on the carousel and take the ride. Without acknowledging the shadows he was leaving, he fled once more.
Winter is coming
A foot brushed against John’s shin attempting to push the body up so the lips could capture John’s. John lay on his back with Jason crawling on top of him. He kept the smaller body in a firm embrace. The heat glowed between their bodies slicking them with sweat. John could feel Jason’s heart beating in rhythm with his own. So sweet. He was so pure. Jason was one of the few people who were what you saw. He never had to pretend; he never faked his feelings and never tried to hide them. John adored Jason’s open attitude. Jason’s open attitude confused John. He loved him being straight forward and he understood how the words often flown faster than he could think. Sometimes his words were screaming angry while his body was crying. It scared John for he didn’t know how to comfort him or how to calm him down. Those were the moments he retreated and watched Jason cry in despair. Then was when John fled the garden to return to the place where he started to find himself wanting him all over again.
He tasted sweet. John accepted Jason’s tongue and stroke the inside of his mouth. His hands traveled over the delicate flesh discovering every subtle detail. John knew this was not the time for raw sex, it was time for loving. He went with the flow, guessing when was what. He guessed right again. His long delicate hands burned marks on Jason’s back as he hugged him close. Jason rested his head on John’s chest rising with it as John breathed in. John could hear him breath and swallow. He could feel him be, intensely wishing this feeling would never end. This time John felt the tears welling up, knowing he had to let go of this fragile boy some day. John closed his eyes in an attempt to hide the tears. He wished he could let go and didn’t have to be the tough guy. He couldn’t be the tough guy, cause he cared too much. John squeezed his eyes shut as one tear escaped. Jason caught it in a kiss.
Jason pushed himself up from John’s body to slowly and crookedly stand beside the bed. John let his hand fall off the bed to touch his leg. Jason grabs the hand and pulls John into a sitting position. “C’mon, we better get going.” John sniffs in protest. It was way too early for the seasons to change again.
As the seasons are changing in your heart / So will I / I will fly
John stood on the concrete as he watched Jason changing seasons again. He nodded greeting him aware of his obligations towards colleagues; Jason nodded back aware of the same obligations. A few minutes ago suddenly seem so long ago.