First published: 9 February 2007
Summary: Inspired on ‘Divorce Song’. The story a little before and after their breakup.
Disclaimer: ‘It’s Just Fiction!’
Reviews: Yes, please!
A/N: I couldn’t leave this fandom, nor the pairing in peace.
John had to admit the tears filling his eyes when he looked at that boy. He saw him falling from disgrace with all his dreams and the world existing in shady pink fantasies. Nothing was less real than the dreams Jason seemed to be floating in all the time. The real world slammed hard the broken pieces into splinters forcing Jason even further back into his own little dream world of wistful fantasies. John had seen it before, or so he thought he had. How could something he had seen a thousand times before strike as unfamiliar and strange? Suddenly he didn’t understand it anymore; not the reasons for Jason’s being and doing and not the way he was. He never deserved to be treated like that. He was mad he never saw it; he never knew he was blind. He once thought he knew, but it turned out John knew nothing.
Cause half the time Jason’s mind was running for his life. He was tripping out in the open. And half the time Jason’s heart could hardly stand it; standing on its own, tripping over the ocean like a cold-hearted stone.
It left John puzzled, disappointed and mad. But maybe he was to blame as well, for hiding more than could ever be acceptable in a relationship. It must have left Jason as disoriented as John felt. John never thought Jason would see him; never like someone he could love. And he never thought Jason would see that the things he said and did were the things John was, or wanted to be. And he certainly never thought Jason would accept his heart, opened and vulnerable. A heart with restricted areas. But John had seen something in his eyes; that he realized he too might be blind. John knew like no other how it was to find out that he was just a son of a bitch who’s blind.
Cause half the time John’s mind was off and running too, running for his life. That he was also tripping out in the open. And half the time John’s hard could hardly stand it either; standing on its own, tripping over the ocean like a cold-hearted stone.
Maybe they both could not commit to this particular relationship; however interesting it might have seen. Maybe it never was fit for two. Maybe they were never fit. They found there was something in the middle and it divided them. They had really loved, and it really was, I love you. Their hearts were too full of fright, and keeping their fantasies alive by lies. Now their miracles had died and their pain was brown and dry. There was no other way than out.
Something had to break. It wasn’t the sun; the sun was still shining bright in the sky. It weren’t the clouds for they were not there. But something had to break.
***Another Degree of breaking up***
John felt the tears falling hard down his cheeks as he pounded away on ribs and bones. He cried hard over the screams and cries from his victim. He couldn’t belief Jason could hurt more than he did right now. He couldn’t belief Jason could understand what he was going through right now. If only he had tried, but he didn’t, because he was too much of a coward; whoever it may apply to. He felt they drifted apart without a good reason, without any chance of finding each other again. John was surprised at how hard it hurt him, and about how disappointed he was. John knew he couldn’t turn back, and he wasn’t so sure Jason would ever catch up with him. And still John felt the need to keep Jason by his side.
John kneeled down beside the aching body, exhausted and broken. He felt exhausted and broken as well. He still cried as he took the trembling hand in his own trembling hand, as if he was trying to make things up. He didn’t feel guilty, rather mad for losing control. He listened to Jason crying and pleading with him, as he felt his own tears slowly drying up on his sensitive skin. John knew Jason wouldn’t stay there, because he was always strong enough to run away. He waited till Jason felt there was nothing he could do anymore to make things up, or to win something back. John didn’t plan to take him back. Maybe it was better this way. Or maybe he would run before Jason did.
Jason’s body was shaking with fright and pain. He had lost once again, but he couldn’t turn the pain into healing action; he was too afraid to face the truth. He never managed to catch John’s eyes. He knew John was hiding on purpose. He cried some more trying to catch John’s attention, but his hands remained still around Jason’s trembling ones. The worst thing of all was John wasn’t going to leave him in hate. Jason could still feel John’s love flowing through his body, but he couldn’t catch it in hands or his eyes anymore. He felt it slowly slipping away from him, to somewhere he couldn’t reach out to. He could see it, but not touch it. Jason’s tears changed from hopeful to anger to despair till his body was drained and reality had seeped through. He knew he had lost John, way before John retreated his hands off of his body. Jason cried in frustration at the last touch of John’s fingertips sliding off of him. It had been too long for Jason to understand. The wall was too thick to break through. He became a prisoner within his own world.
* * *
He bashed redness onto his body, but he never reached Jason. Never his soul, never his pride. The pain and truth stopped getting through to him years ago. A thick wall of hardness and ignorance keeping it all out, build by pain and fright. You can read in his eyes he’s hiding more from you than he can keep for himself. It always leaves him, through his mouth and tears, and his hands bashing on his guitar, or squeezing the microphone. He honestly doesn’t mean to hurt, or to hurt anyone. He can’t help his aching body from screaming and hitting hard. He can never hit who he’s aiming for; they all run forward.
Through his hazel eyes Jason sees the world in plain pink and blue. He can see the blackness and reject it, hiding underneath the blue. He can see the redness, hot and raging, but he tries to turn it into pink. He hides from facts and fear, never wanting to grow up. Like a little child he moves and sings, trying to be more than sweet.
His hands tremble around his pencil leaning on the paper. He cries without sound or tear as the words pour from his pounding heart right through his pencil onto the paper. He knows he’s hiding well, but he forgot what he was hiding for. The enemies had long been gone, but he still doesn’t dare to look. He’s afraid for the openness. He’s afraid to feel the fresh air burn in his lungs, to live too fast and burn up. He’s tired already. It’s not that he wants to hide.
John stopped staring at the balance called ‘competition’. He was still running fast, but he had left his dearest contestant behind. Secretly he felt sorry for himself, cause John didn’t know how to balance it out without his counterweight; Jason always was his counterweight. Jason was always running as fast as John and he always surprising John by catching up, somehow. But John found himself playing another game, the game Jason wasn’t playing. John was scared to run alone. He was afraid to fall being out of balance. He was afraid there was no-one coming after him or to catch him if he fell, and that he would be alone in the end. John didn’t want to be alone.
It shouldn’t be a problem; John should be able to work his career and his life out the way he wanted to without Jason’s help. Truth was Jason slowed him down. All the useless little matters, from comparable to completely different kept John stopping in his tracks. In his head he ran by all the possible subjects Jason touched as well. He counted and weighed how much he did his own thing compared to Jason and how he scored. He was trying to see himself different from Jason. Didn’t he simply reach his goal?
He had never meant to end his relationship with Jason this way, this abrupt. He only really needed out, and any reason was a good one. He had hurt, but so had Jason. John knew Jason had searched for a way out as well, but surprisingly he didn’t run and seek for an exit as hard as John had. Still, it didn’t stop John from accepting the smallest and most ridiculous reason to breakup with Jason. Maybe even, Jason had the exit in sight but stayed away on purpose. In the end John had forced him to the exit, while Jason was still fighting him not wanting it to end. And once again, John’s will had been stronger than Jason’s.
Jason turned the CD in his hand thoughtlessly. He had lost purpose and goal a little over the time span of a few months. He knew he was supposed to think up new songs. Instead he took a long vacation in Asia and didn’t touch his laptop, let alone his guitar. Nothing had come from his hands; not even laundry or food. It had been a while since he was that lazy.
His hazel eyes were glazed over as he dreamt about a past that was now long ago.
He tried to keep his breath under control by the thought of his old lover being so close. The first time he heard he couldn’t belief it; he didn’t. And when he could, he figured it never was going to work anyway; like it never worked before. He kept his heart in his hand; all exposed and vulnerable.
To everything he did he paid close attention; he didn’t want to miss a second of his new life. John knew his truth lay in his actions and words and in his lies even more. He once had someone who knew like no other could.
It was guitar in hand and heart on tongue. It once was warm inside his arms. It was picking fingers on trembling strings and floating tones touching ears. Once he wasn’t alone. It was laughing over stupid things and crying over serious matters. Someone understood once. It never was one word too much or a grasp to arms to stop him from loving. They always ran together.
John wiped the thoughts away out of his system. The cycles of pain, understood and mistakes had tormented his mind way too long. It was time for a new start. He would not make the same mistakes without a good reason; the reason always being fright. Because if he was completely honest with himself; he missed being understood thru saying only one word, and he missed being held and loved. But he could not turn back to the worlds of running and misleading fantasies. It could never exist; it would never exist. It was about time John woke up and started to really live. It was certainly time.
Jason wasn’t sure what level John was playing at. At some point they had lost touch. The roads split and they both went their own way. Jason found himself alone, deciding on his own which way he would walk and which turn he would take. His arms were free to fly; he was not holding anyone anymore and he flew. Jason felt a little lost without the view of John’s body above him. Jason had grown accustomed to John being up there. Jason always only had to follow, obediently walking in John’s footsteps. Not that he wanted to be John; he had his own mind living his own life in his own world. John was really somebody Jason could look up to. John was somebody who set an example, for Jason as well. Jason did admire John’s attitude and his achievements, but never, he really wanted to be him. Still, John was somebody.
John never realized how Jason looked up at him; he always had the feeling Jason was playing his own game, not taking too much notice of him. What had happened in the past, like missed appointments and studio session, had more been on a personal and business level rather than worship. Jason was realistic enough too understand they were too completely different persons living their own lives in their own ways. John always thought that was just what was on Jason’s mind. He did see Jason staring at him, minutes after each other till John moved away with his guitar to his study. He did know Jason secretly read the scribbles on little papers, and he did know that somehow Jason always found out what he was doing and writing. He also knew Jason loved to come to his shows and really paid attention to his guitar playing.
John had admired Jason as well; his stubborn being Jazzy and singing like a bird. He admired Jason’s fast living and his openness and spontaneously honest announcements. John couldn’t count the times he felt sorry for Jason, or sad, angry or happy, or the times he felt anything at all for Jason. Jason could make him feel, and that was something John admired about him. In all his secrets and closed nature there was openness John had trouble understanding. It made Jason mysterious and unpredictable. It made Jason someone John never got to know.
Hesitating he walked up to the front door. His hazel eyes rolled around, flickering from one side to the other, keeping an eye on the whole neighborhood. He kept a dirty paper in his hand, squeezing it together with stiff fingers; he was nervous as hell. It was the first time that year he came begging John to give him another chance. It was the second time since John had left him. Jason was still afraid to see the coldness in John’s eyes and the love still lingering in the background. Jason was scared to death to be rejected again, but his love and his need for John made him step forward and try again. The slightest chance to have John’s arms around him again was enough for Jason to face his fears. But new fears had blossomed. The fear he couldn’t do it, that he couldn’t keep his promise to try harder to get out of his protected world. He was afraid that John would realize that Jason would never make it, or that he could never catch up with John. Jason was afraid John wouldn’t accept less anymore. And he couldn’t blame him.
Jason pushed the door bell hard, as if he was trying to push through it. Jason became more nervous as he figured he was slowly losing control. He was afraid a long stream of dribble would come out instead of the things he had practiced to say. Maybe the words he learned by heart were too smart for him. Or maybe he better let his heart do the talking to keep it sincere. Or maybe he should let his head do the talking to avoid gibberish. Or maybe he should turn around and run again. Then nothing had been lost, because John knew Jason’s back already. He would only lose another opportunity and some more months. He could live with that.
Before he lost complete control John had opened the door. John was so calm, it soothed Jason and enraged him. There was nothing of hate left in those dark eyes. There was nothing of pain left in those eyes. He was calm and wise. Jason knew John had grown even more; he could tell. John leaned his hand casually on against the door, while his dark eyes immediately found Jason. He was not trying to hide, and he was not looking away. He looked at Jason directly, not afraid for confrontation. Jason was. He knew his own eyes wide in awe, nervousness and fright. John gave him all the time of the world, waiting patiently. It didn’t matter if Jason ran; John wouldn’t lose anything. And all Jason could do was placing the blame on John again.
“You don’t understand what I’m going through, and it’s not my fault we’re apart.”
John didn’t even purse his lips at Jason’s accusation.
“Was this what you came for?” he only asked.
Jason knew that wasn’t it. He hated his defense mechanism against better or worse.
John closed the front door carefully, almost without a sound. He knew he didn’t need to treat Jason like that; he even didn’t have the right too. It wasn’t only Jason who made mistakes. It wasn’t only Jason who had run instead of talked. And it wasn’t only Jason who had kept too many things to himself. The kind of love which flowed between the two of them hadn’t been too heavy for only Jason’s heart. John knew he was to blame as well, but like Jason, he was still running and hiding.
How could he ever break away from all that had him running and hiding? Before they could ever look each other in the eyes without hurting, they had to learn and stop. They had to look around and be real. They could save each other, but not their selves. As long they didn’t learn to talk it was better to be without each other.
John was pretty sure Jason knew that as well.