First published: September 18, 2006
Pairing: JM/JM D’OH!
Summary: This might be the end.
Disclaimer: ‘It’s just fiction!’
Reviews: Yes, please.
A/N: I’m not sure, but this might be the last episode in the JM/JM series.
More Than We Can Comprehend
John sat opposite Jason talking continuously while Jason quietly munched his food away. It was perfect since John didn’t seem to be able to shut up longer than 5 minutes and Jason was quite content with just listening after having used his voice all day. It was perfect for both, because the situation reminded both of their youth. It reminded John of how he always seemed to be the one talking while his mother interrupted him from time to time to give John’s two brothers a chance to say something. It reminded Jason of his quiet dreaming while his sister was telling about her friends, or his mother complaining about one or the other. It allowed both to retreat into their own musings. At the end of the meal John found he talked too much again. Consciously he asked Jason about his day. Jason looked up at John dreamingly and smiled: “It was okay.”
It was good to have someone during dinner. It was good to have Jason sitting and not quite listening. John didn’t mind; he just needed someone to be quiet so he could talk and not look like a complete retard. It was good to have Jason moving alongside him while cleaning away the dishes. Jason turned the radio on to have some sound around them; mindless entertainment. Jason could dance to everything and did so. John loved watching him. Those were the only times John shut his mouth. It felt like all American family life. Having dinner together. Telling each other about their day or complaining about their boss and colleagues. Doing dishes and then reading the paper or watching television. John was already looking forward to the curling up in front of the television with Jason next to him. Maybe he would fall asleep, like his father would do, while Jason watched some romantic movie. Or maybe Jason would get bored and decides to go to bed early while John finishes watching that guitar special.
Jason turns the radio off and looks at John: “Shall we go to bed early?”
John turns the bedside lamp on to see how Jason pulls his t-shirt over his head. John shoves further under the cold covers never taking his eyes off of Jason. That skinny boy got something magical about him. His eyes light up as he looks at John. There are excitement, lust and love dancing. John returns the grin. His eyes are dark and following Jason every move. Jason crawls on the bed on his hands and knees up to John. He sits on his knees in front of John studying him for a few seconds making John wonder what he’s doing. Before John can ask Jason leans towards John to kiss the tip of his nose. Then he sits back and waits for John’s reaction; again just a few seconds. John sits with his eyes closed savoring the sweet touch on his nose. It amuses Jason. He starts settling under the sheets beside John never taking his eyes off of him. If the world only knew half of John what Jason knew they would better understand how to enjoy him. There was so much more to John’s actions and words; if only they knew.
John’s dark eyes find Jason hiding under the white covers. He looks like a little boy playing hide and seek and peeking to see if the searcher is finding him. His skinny form is subtly shaped under the lightness of the covers; John admires the soft fluent shapes. Jason’s eyes are unbelievably dark as they follow John every move. His lips are warm and soft as John touches them with his own. He hardly moved as if John’s soft touch didn’t move him. John bends down over Jason once again seeing Jason’s eyes close seconds before he closes his own. John presses his lips lightly on Jason’s tasting the sweetness. They remain like that for a few seconds before John presses their lips closer together. Jason answers by pushing his tongue carefully between John’s lips. He enters John’s mouth shyly and meets John’s tongue. They tasted each other before; they know their personal taste. They know each other inside out. John let Jason’s tongue softly stroke the inside of his cheeks, his teeth and the soft palate. He meets him in every circling touch.
Their hands are searching each other’s bodies to find the skin covering up the muscles which are tensing up under the touches. John’s body is now fully leaning on Jason’s. He can feel Jason breath. He can feel Jason’s heart racing. He can even feel the blood streaming through his veins. Excited John pushes his crotch between Jason’s legs. Soon Jason’s hand is on the bulge in John’s boxers. He rubs him tightly but delicately. John moans in excitement as he pushes into Jason’s fist. John’s hips lose rhythm quickly; Jason doesn’t mind. He brings John off quickly never hesitating. John sighs; so far for the evening full of romance. Jason studies his hand which is now slicked up with John’s scum. He gingerly cleans them off on the white covers grinning guiltily to John. John grins back and glides off of Jason to fall asleep a few minutes later leaving Jason helpless and unsatisfied in the darkness of their bedroom.
John’s nose catches the smell of fresh baked waffles before he even recollects his complete conscience. Slowly the happenings from the night before start to bleed through to John. He didn’t mean to fall asleep so quickly. Guilt was creeping over him, especially since Jason was already up and baking waffles. Also the smell of fresh coffee was coming into the room, and it made John feel even guiltier. Quickly he slid from under the covers pulling it half off the bed. A stain was the silent mark of what happened the night before. John pulled the covers off completely to put them in the washing machine. He stepped right into his jeans he had thrown on a chair and grabbed a clean t-shirt from the closet. He attempted to brush his curly hair as he listened to Jason singing in the kitchen. Maybe he should do like Jason and go straight to the hat. Concerning the haste John found himself in to apologize to his boy the hat didn’t sound too bad. He found the hat hidden in a drawer. He wore it in the winter for the last time; John wasn’t that much of a hat wearer. It would do for now though.
He got the covers into the washing machine before he made his way downstairs to find Jason relaxed eating a waffle and skimming the paper. He stepped right up to him to catch him into his arms. Jason lets himself be caught and accepts John’s whispered apologies and kisses. He pulls at John’s hat while John reaches to grab a waffle. He wonders why John put that woolen thing on in the middle of the summer. His fingers pull carelessly through John’s curls yanking John’s head slightly to a side. John grabs Jason’s tiny wrist, waffle still in mouth. Jason tries to pull his wrist away from John’s grip, but he holds on tightly. John’s eyes are set on Jason’s dark and dangerous. Jason knew what that meant; it meant John was up for a rough game. Jason stares back, but John’s dark stare scares him.
Only God Knows Our Contradiction to Quitting
Jason’s on his back seeing John getting ready to take control. He pushes Jason’s legs up to be able to enter him. Jason catches him half with his hands against John’s shoulders. It’s half stopping him and half supporting his weight. Jason whimpers as John pushes in. Normally he was for prepping, but somehow he let John skip that part. He wished he had insisted. With every thrust into him a moan escaped him. It hurt badly and he started to protest.
“John, it hurts. OW! It hurts..OW! real bad.” John’s voice was a low hiss: “Shut up!”
Jason sat with his knees hugged against his chest, his back against cold wall and cold tears streaming over his cheeks. He could hear John breathing in the dark. Why did it have to be this way? Jason couldn’t understand what changed. John silently climbed off the bed to cross the room towards Jason. He knelled down beside him: “I’m sorry, Jason.” Jason’s couldn’t look him in the eyes. He couldn’t fight him, for he was too tired. John took him in his arms holding him close and warm to his heart while he cried with him.
John hadn’t seen Jason all day, even though they were both home. John had cleaned the living room all by himself. Now he was preparing for the cooking. That normally wasn’t his department; he always let Jason do that, because he seemed to enjoy it. Jason was a health freak, and John liked a nutritious meal. John sighed as he laid the raw vegetables out on the kitchen sink. He had only half a clue of how he could best prepare it. He sighed another and looked up into the hallway hoping Jason would come down from the study and start cooking; he didn’t. John hadn’t even heard anything from upstairs, not even a sigh. He wondered what Jason was doing that kept him so occupied. John knew writing took a lot of time and energy; it was a demanding profession. Jason might be tangled up in a new song, which meant there was no good reason to bother him with daily stuff. That could be it. Still it didn’t calm John down. Lately Jason had been aloof. He suddenly needed a lot of private time. John was confused, because he always gave Jason a lot of space to move around and do the things he wanted to do, and still it wasn’t enough. Thoughts of what might come next made John scared; it took his appetite for food away. He stroke his index finger thoughtlessly over a vegetable; if he had been alone, he wouldn’t cook. If Jason wasn’t going to come down it had no use to cook. John glanced into the hallway again; Jason still didn’t come, and John had lost his appetite completely.
He didn’t want to spend the evening alone; he wanted to cuddle on the couch with Jason, but Jason was still in the study. John climbed the pluched wooden stairs to see what Jason was doing in the study. It was time for him to reappear; he had been hiding long enough. John was firm concerning a lot of stuff most of the time. Jason mellowed him down; John couldn’t remember the last time he stood firm against Jason for his opinion or something he wanted. He never really needed to. Now it was time. Without consideration John swung open the door finding a be frazzled Jason sitting on the floor with his guitar hanging in his lap and papers scattered all around him. He didn’t look up, he didn’t even react at all.
“Did you plan to come down and keep me some company some time soon?” John blurted out. The irritation was apparent in his voice, even though he tried to hide it.
Jason stayed calm: “You don’t need to shout, I can hear you perfectly well.”
John tried hard to stay angry, but he couldn’t do it. Jason was quite a sight; fuzzy hair, tight t-shirt and all. Jason was such a boy; a boy rather than a man. That was what John loved about Jason so much. It was also what he hated about Jason so much.
John had heard the door jam shut. He heard hushed whispers from the living room and some giggling. Quietly he made his way to the living room door and peeked inside to see what was going on. He saw Jason’s back and his cap backwards on his head. He saw how Jason walked to the couch singing their song to someone who didn’t belong in their living room. A girl, dark brown hair and big brown eyes enchanted by Jason’s boyish charms. Jason literally threw himself on her finding her lips with his own coincidently. John could tell Jason was intoxicated be the one or the other. Maybe alcohol, maybe weed, maybe both. He stood in front of them suddenly. He felt numb as he called out Jason’s name. He felt empty when Jason stared at him with glazed over eyes. “Don’t you see I’m busy?” Jason slurred at John. John just stared at the couple before leaving them to it and crying himself to sleep in their cold and empty bedroom.
John’s nose catches the smell of fresh baked waffles before he even recollects his complete conscience. Slowly the happenings from the night before start to bleed through to John. He looked beside him; the covers didn’t tell him if Jason had been beside him that night. John wondered if the girl was still there. John stays in bed staring at the ceiling and frowning at the destructive thoughts. The door opens almost without a sound and John turns his head to see Jason entering with a tray in his hands. Apparently he was feeling guilty and therefore brought John breakfast in bed. John stays under the covers watching Jason warily. Jason’s eyes were troubled as he carefully placed the tray on the night-stand.
“John, I’m sorry,” Jason pulled the covers away from John’s face to see the lips stiffly closed. Jason’s hand falls helplessly from the covers; his eyes filled with pain and guilt. He cries as he begs for forgiveness; it leaves John surprisingly cold. John stares at him feeling nothing, not even numb. The coldness in his eyes cuts right through Jason’s soul. John isn’t aware of that; he only knows Jason’s tears don’t touch him. He shifts and turns his head away from Jason. He still hears the sobs and the begging, but it doesn’t reach him. What had happened the night before was a good excuse to say goodbye; this time forever. He stares at the bright light falling in through the window. If he listens hard, he can hear the world spinning and purring behind the glass. He’s ready to get back in the game. He was done playing this particular game. It exhausted him, even though he had been the happiest since a long time. So simple as their love had been, so complicated had the situation been. Now they were broken. They lay shattered, faces turned away, back to back. And John vowed the day he couldn’t see his eyes anymore, would be the day he’d say goodbye.
Like a summer day gone too soon the past lay behind him. He kept beautiful memories, the pictures and the words and the thoughts all in his heart, all unshared. John walked firmly through his life, but he cried. Deep down he wished things had been different. Deep inside he had given up everything to be able to stay with Jason. But he was so scared. If only he had been brave; brave enough to fight.